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ConfusedKnowledge
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Name: Christopher
Country: United States
State: Kentucky
Gender: Male
Interests: Chemistry, Philosophy, some cartoons, D&D, thinking philosophically, debating politics, and most music, although metal and punk are the top two. The Cincinnati BEBGALS! and the Chicago CUBS! Whoot... go teams. I am also a fan of Star Wars and Star Trek. my favorite movie is Braveheart and I love Monty Python.
Expertise: hopefully Chemisrty. and analytical thinking. Also watching the Bengals and the Cubs.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
MSN: com_ment@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  cap_blue_wind@yahoo.com
Member Since:
3/29/2004
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| Well, I'm up again tonight... I can't fall asleep :(
My mind keep turning over a lot of issues... the primary one... school. I've failed my final oral exam and I'm waiting to hear back to see if I get to take it again. I certainly hope I get to! Also, what's going to happen to me after I graduate. I don't know... it scares me. There's nothing stable in my life right now and I would like to find something to stabilize me. The job opportunity in Maryland is uncertain and I'm waiting to hear back. But, do I want it if I get it? I don't know. It seems like a great opportunity. Could I handle living completely alone with no one I know around me? I'm not so certain I can. Also, there's someone here that I really like. I'm not certain whether she likes me well enough to date me and I don't wanna go basing my life's decision based on someone I'm not even dating at the time... but there's something special about this one... I feel it. She's different. I feel connected to her in some way... something beyond normal physical attraction or anything like that... something subconscious, sorta. Also, I have a lot of friends here. I just don't know what I should do! I'm trying to stay true to myself but what happens when myself doesn't know what to do. I wanna go do great things. But, I wanna stay here and have fun. I want things with this girl to blossom, if there's a shot. I've got a lot of feeling pulling me in different directions. I can't let feeling rule my whole life... however, I can't let cold miscalculated logic either. I don't know where that medium is... I certainly haven't found it yet. We'll see if this works out and maybe the girl wont be an issue when I have to make the decision on Maryland... I haven't felt comfortable making any sort of "move" on her... I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable and I don't want to rush anything... however, I would like to know if she likes me. If I don't get the Maryland thing I'm taking a break from grad school, certainly. I've not started feeling out any applications to other places. I want to know.... why must I wait... this is driving me crazy... and that's all I can do... is wait.
If I move off I'm going to be even more distant from my family... can I handle that? I realize that my friends and my family are my anchor. Without them who am I? I would be one very lonely and confused person. Not that I'm not confused now... but I think I would be even more lost. To live where NO ONE would know who I am. Not knowing if I could trust anyone... I'm sure I would trust too quickly to get some sort of stability with a friend or something. That's part of my worry that I'm doing with liking the girl here... am I just reaching out to like someone? I don't know... I'm not getting this vibe from others; so I don't think it's a whimsical thing. I think I'm legit interested and all that and not grasping for straws. Why can't someone tell me how its going to unfold and that I'll be ok and things will work out for the best and I'll be so very happy? I've just got to trust my heart and my logic... there is what lies the best for me. I just can't tell where the middle is...
My heart says: Go for everything with the girl and be the happiest person by just being with that person. Also, it says... go be adventurous! see what's out there.
My logic: This is the next natural logical progression would be to go to Maryland to get your Ph.D. and continue to be one your way to do great things. Also, take a small break. Work for a little while you're a little burnt out and you will just end up fizzling out if I just rush off to another place.
What the hell am I suppose to do?
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| I'm about to just crumble into tears and saddness.... it would be my grandpa's bday in about 2hrs. He past away the June before last. I miss him so much. He was assentially my dad. He was the strong silent type. We didn't talk much and when we did it wasn't just b.s. I miss his huges. I miss the way he would squeel when he would get excited. Whenever he was feeling good he would aggravate the shit out of grandpa or just be figgity and rattle things to make noise. My grades were never good enough... he would always ask for straight A's. I think I might have done that once in high school. I miss going outside in the blistering heat of summer digging a damn ditch with him. He was disabled and couldn't do much but he would be out there with me sitting in this chair shoveling when he could. He was such a hard worker and such a man that believed in what he did. I would be lucky to be half the man he was. i miss him so much. When I was really young I would climb on top of him while he was lying on the couch, which he did most of the time, and he would rub his stubbly face on my head till it made me so mad I would start punching him. He would just laugh and hold me back. He and grandma took me in and I'm so very thankful they did. They could be a little strict at times but wonderful overall. I wouldn't change a thing. It really hurts me that my last memory of grandpa was seeing him at about 3am cold lying in a hospital bed in the living room of the house. I got up to give him his medicine so he wouldn't be in pain and he was just so stiff... I had shown him pictures that I took of the house half bricked, which he had always wanted done. He had not been able to go outside and see what progress had been made since the guys started bricking. So, I took pics and displayed them on the TV and went through them with him. I don't know if he was able to see them because in the last few days he wasn't very responsive. That evening I played some religious Ralph Stanley, which he loved. I hope he was able to hear and see the pics. I would do anything to have him back. I LOVE YOU GRANDPA!
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| Well, I'm almost over my craziness. I sent Shoba an email explaining myself about the texts. She never responded of course but, it makes me feel better to get the lie off my chest. I was so fucking stupid. I don't know if anything could have happened between us but, I really liked the idea of her and until she ruins it by doing something or I eventually forget then that will never go away. Just wow... I fucked up. I've fucked a lot of shit up the past year. I'm losing grip on my life. I've gotta find away to get it back. I've tried to live by the seat of my pants and go with the flow but, I can't handle that right now. I've gotta get things under control be the agent of causality that I know I am and not just a flow flowing haphazard being. I've gotta start my trying harder and harder to focus and make lists and keep making lists to pressure myself to get things done.
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| Wow... another fun Saturday... at least another drunken me running around anyway. I'm really starting to feel things slip away from my control. Since grandpa passed my life has been on big spinning mess... were it stops nobody knows. I went to my first strip club last night; that was interesting. Yeah, it's nice to see the girls run around naked and do all that but, it's rather meaning less; it's not like I can take one home or something it left me with a strange feeling. I don't see anything wrong with them necessarily, I just don't think it's my bag. Went to a chem party, which things were fun and happy, then went to a party where i knew no one, other than the couple of people that took me there. I remember talking to a girl there and it was going absolutely no where; even drunk I could sense the awkwardness. awesome! I'm sure things with Shoba will never progress. In my drunken stat I texted her about how she pissed me off. Awesome! Oh well. I really can't stand anything these days. I just don't give a fuck anymore. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I have no significant other and my life keeps spinning.... yay! bitch, bitch, bitch. that's all I can seem to do these days. Nothing really makes me happy. Life down the shitter but, the Bengals are playing well! That's about the only positive at this point.
I need to figure out a way to get my life under control. I need to figure out what I want to do and go for it. Hell, I thought I knew I liked Shoba, but that turned out to be a big steaming pile of dog shit. She likes assholes, which I'm not. So... I guess I'll just go about my marry way. Nothing is going right. I live inside my own mind, which doesn't seem to translate into the real world.
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| Ahh... well, just more irritation. waited till 10:30, got a text asking for another rescheduling to "hangout or whatever." I don't really give up much... so not sure how i'm going to handle this. I want to get to know her better... I'm pretty certain she's gf material; I do like her enough to put up with this. I'm really just irritated at the unknown factors. Not knowing whether she likes me or if she knows that I'm interested in her; would that change things... and so forth. This could just all be a "nice" ploy to run me off. I'm not that easy to run off. I'm fairly persistent when there's something I really want; just ask anyone I've ever went after. I just see so much potential in it all. Maybe someone needs to just smack me down to reality. I wanted last night to be a break through in at least finding somethings out. Like telling her, bluntly, that i like her and go from there. I just have no idea. She should feel bad enough about bailing on me twice in two weeks that she contacts me; however, I doubt that for some reason. UGH!! It's been a long time since someone took up this much of my mental time... Chelsea and Kayla were the last two... and Katie was in there for a little while. Since freshman year of college those three girls have took up a lot of time. I don't know what it is, once I've mentally decided that I like someone they can treat me like shit for a while but, I would still like them. They would have to do something REALLY bad for me to hate them. For some reason, without knowing her all that well, she's moved into this category in my mind, at least it feels that way. I'm going to be pretty crushed if things just linger or if she doesn't like me. Why in the world do I want this so badly?
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